Jagamum naan Ahamum naan

 Hello 2022.... In contrast to my previous year, 2021 went pretty fast. Am I eager to go to 2022? Like Dewy says possibly, probably, might be, hopefully. But to reminiscence 2021, here I go 1) Best New Year one could have!! Florida, Sun, Beach and one of your bestie 2) Dewy growing up right in front of my eyes. Does this count?  3) One of my career goals met which would help me to step up in my personal life 4) I did my trip to India. Yep the same one that 2020 sunk. Though it was filled with work and list of items that I was in my to-do, but it was good. I felt that my parents have shrunk and had few interesting discussions (A whole new topic for some other time) 5) Got a beautiful car. I remember buying my Chevy and excited to transition from Maruti 800  and having my initial troubles with the zip drive and the brakes 6) Met my darlings and spent solid time with them and discussing whatnots. This is something I wish I could do more often And here I am in the last w...

Funny it is.. all I wanted was for my bestie to settle down.  I was super happy that it all worked out despite the troubles and cold feet( which I had warm up gazillion times). And on the day of wedding or reception,  I dolled up with my friends and was all ready to see the bride and groom. I was happy to see them and then like someone pulled rug from under the feet it was all very unsteady. I felt that the luxury I had to pick up phone, just call and pester this person would never be there anymore. It was a void I knew I would have and still it was too much to digest in one go. On the way back I didn't talk much to my ladies and I was just numb. So high school-ish of me.  Does it affect our friendship-no Does it change the way we talk and react to each other -no But this person was my 3 AM friend , which might not be that easy any more. We learn to adapt and work around the changes and just that some things need time.

 I can't stress the amount of ! I have put into this post. I am going to India for a vacation(well deserved, I say so). I have planned it to T in 2020 and it all went withering. This time I have kept it secret so that even Murphy cannot apply his law into my plans. I have been dying to see my parents and be with them. No amount of convincing has made them to change plans about coming here. One of the reasons I wanted them to come here to see how I have setup my life here in a completely new place. But anyway different covid test rules, different rt-pcr timelines I am past all those and here I am stepping into Chennai. Salty, humidy air here I come.

 Yesterday, I completed 15 years with my company. I do remember distinctively the day I attended the big first day session in a hall in Coimbatore where we were handed over our welcome kit and I was elated. First job, fresh out of college certainly has its charms. I got a fancy numbered employee ID with the company. And I remember telling my friends that it is an easy number to remember. After 15 years, it is etched into my brain and it is still a fancy number to me. At that time, I wasn't too oriented towards what  I want to become because I was still in cloud nine of being independent.  Out of these 15, last 9 has been with the same project where I grew and Dewy grew. And in fact these 9 years has been totally because of 2 women - Mom and Dewy. It has been a roller coaster ride. Mom supported me through everything with work (all late nights) , with Dewy and my home. Dewy adjusted her best she could when we moved to a new country. To sound cliché, I did have few goo...

Dear Home Room Teacher,  Thanks a lot for the feedback that we didn't hit our usual average of naughty things and hence there is nothing to talk about. I didn't realize that it is so despicable to talk to me but considering our poor performance I can't expect more. Surprisingly I was also informed by other distressed parents that they also got the same message. Looks like the bearable average has increased post COVID home schooling. Considering you have lesser pranksters to meet, can you please open school tomorrow? I have gotten used to productive work from 9 to 4 and would like to get that back instead of hearing really bad jokes and poked and prodded asking tab time right when I have to present in the meeting. With undiluted respect, Mommy

My mom All these years , even today I don't see her relaxing or complaining of her health. All my years that I remember, I have seen her running pillar to post to make sure me and our home had its best.  She has my pillar of support. My bad days, My good days- She has been part of all it. Even when I am in my worst moments, she has been with me. Why this post? You may ask.  Dewy triggered something in me yesterday.  There was a small kismish between us and I felt little betrayed that Dewy didn't bother much about my how I care about her and was little too self centered. It made me feel (a tinge) that it really doesn't matter to my daughter how I take care of her and all she cares is what she does. All the well meaning genes in me says that it is temporary and that's how most kids are and it is my responsibility to teach her to care(will get there slowly). Then was thinking through night that if I have ever made my mom feel like that.  I am no where near her when it c...

These past few weeks have been emotionally draining and continues to be. To simply put it, I am absolutely not happy. I mean one would think that this would require a trip to therapist. I did have some absolutely overwhelming news that should trigger a Yay!!! Mood instead all I have is this melancholy. And as it says I have not just one but few reasons around it nothing big but cannot be thrown away as well. I generally don't say this out loud and my friends who tag me as workaholic would gasp. But I don't like my job anymore. I don't do anything interesting. I am doing repetitive stuff and stuck in a rut. Last few days had many emotional altercation with my friend and it has also been a drainer. Infact that was one big reason Plus this new lease of life that I have been handed over to me has added many questions about what kind of place am I in. Only shining star in this whole cloudy looming sky is Dewy. I have been thoroughly enjoying spending time with her not only to se...

Its so complicated being a kid these days. I mean I remember the petty fights and who-is-the-real-boss-here problems but now it is so much more. Dewy was out for few days due to cold(And not COVID). I have to say, never ever have been a scenario where a runny nose was dealt with so much of apprehension. Anyway so I kept at home, tortured her with steam and home made chukku kaapi (For the unenlightened people, that's a concoction made with dry ginger powder, pepper and various other stuff which is meant to flush the cold out) And after 5 days of hiatus and my torture, we decided to go back to school this Monday and the scene unfurls. Dewy and I go to the bus stop where her so-called besties are waiting and I was expecting them to kind of more warm and happy to see Dewy back considering how thick as thieves these are all together.   They just walked away as soon as she went and stood next to them. I felt hurt. I felt bad for Dewy. Friendships doesn't have to be this complicated ...

Start weekend by buying veggies Cut them and cook them into nice curries( not to blow my own horn) Pack them and load into fridge. Every day take some, heat and feed family This schedule is expertly devised to minimize the time I spend in kitchen. One grapling hole to this plan is I am always stocking my fridge , but never get to eat freshly cooked, hot meals What I would I give to eat some food after cooking when the steam is still bellowing and the smell of food just pulls you to gobble more -  Tooth and Nail, or Visa and more 😉 I can't remember or even imagine my mom getting up every day at 4 and cooking,  washing, and still getting ready in neat saree to go to office which required additional gymnastics of climbing stairs, running to catch trains or even locking up our house which had  too many doors that needed to be locked up. There wasn't a single stuff she missed at home or for me/ dad and still she was never frustrated or angry. Now that's a level to achieve and...

A normal week and working day. My friend had come from Charlotte and she has been wanting to see ISKCON because for some weird reason we couldn't do it the last 2 times she was here though we planned. Infact we did a trip to Chicago and had ISKCON baked into our plan and we missed it. So I suggested that we take a half day off and go and visit after all it's 45 miles from my place. That sounded sane. Dewy is never fan of going 1 hr drive to just see Krishna Kanhaiya( no offence to you Lord) she is never a fan of going on long drives despite the fact that I absolutely love driving and can do driving like truck drivers. Rabbit hole, Alice!!  So all set to go in morning,  ironed clothes( absolutely detest this job) and ready. Somewhere in deep down , I felt bad that I am not taking Dewy. And after some long lip chewing I went and told my friend that can we do on weekend before you go. She knows how crazy I am for Dewy because she is too and she agreed. Now if someone tells me the...

 It is beautiful, misty and gorgeous to look at. It seems to start right at my back yard when the sun glistens through the dewdrops  but it never seems to end..  Where is the gold at the end of this rainbow My current life seems to be like that rainbow. Last few months has been getting my work visa sorted and then it was to buy a new car and then something else. It is always some goal or other. I always assume that there would be light at end of tunnel , but it is tiny crack that lets some sunlight in and then again another longer tunnel ahead. I had promised myself that I would take one day at a time, not plan ahead and just make sure Dewy gets everything and all accounted for. But I let myself get ahead of that. The thrill and rush of chasing a dream and achieving it feel relishing and exhausting at the same time. Would I be able to survive this rush every time and if yes how long time .. When will I get to sit and enjoy that beautiful colors in a rainbow which is nothi...

We don't talk any more. It is more mechanical discussions these days. You know the ones that you need to get by. Eat, clean, sleep and all those itty-bitty stuff. I didn't think I would be going through this early in our relationship. We were friends like good friends. We had many things to discuss in common. We learnt from each other and were contended at end of day. What changed? Did I get boring? Or it is just a phase that I have to deal.  Do you remember the walks we took at night. It was small but nice ones. I mean what a lot of rubbish we talk at that time. I don't even get to know you these days. Like how did the day go, how were things and suddenly all seems to be alien to me. If this is what I am getting now,  can't imagine what teen would bring me.   Let's get our act together Dewy. I want to go back being your bestie. Talk all nonsense in world. You know... let's not go overboard as well.. you know me dear.  I am not touchy feeling lovey gooey mommy....

In the last decade, I have never been jobless. This is the first time, I nothing to do.  Before you think something drastically,  I am in forced vacation do to visa restrictions. I have always taken work as my release mechanism. All my problems, worries and insecurities would go away when I work. My friends call me workaholic, may be its my way to find sanity  So now , one week of no work, I imagined that it would drive me to front of therapist door faster. But to my surprise I enjoyed it-The time off. No pressure, no deadlines, multitude of other things tied to job. Obviously I found 100 other things at home to fix and  shop but it felt good.  I am now very seriously thinking about fact that I need to take such breaks at times to bring down craziness. My toughest of toughest periods were easily crushed by work that didn't leave me an ounce of energy to think or even worry. Now if I am enjoying a break.. boy was I surprised. Or is it just my 30s going 40s now te...

It is a late reaction. But still this is a milestone worth mention.. though I am a month late. A little more than a month late..  Dewy is 9. Time flies and you never know. Every day has been a melè of emotions. There are days she had made me question my sanity and some when she is the  reason. Between piggytailed human to the plaited tween, I can check all boxes of expressions that I would have felt and I many times wonder, is it just me or all parents feel the same. But let's say.. do I want to change anything in the last 9 years as far as Dewy is concerned.. nah. Just that she could have slept more as a baby, show interests in same games as I like, read books , not be whiny in a long drive, and few such small small changes. But who am I kidding. It is never easy to bring a child up. No way is the right way. No tried tested method to say that this works and I hope that my way ( whatever it is. Sometimes I wonder if there is a way that I use) is bringing her good and she is gr...

On those golden days, long long ago, once upon a time all you need to step out of house was a decent dress, and neat presentation and some perfume. Nowadays this new addition to face in the form of mask, has brought in its own set of comical trouble I can't count the number is times I have left house in all josh only to come back in to get a mask within next few minutes I left doing upper lip as it is covered by mask; so the days at home I sport a well oiled tache  We color coordinate masks between mother daughter Duo and walk around as if anyone really cares about it So in the decision to step forward towards covid free world , I went and took my vaccine. Now all my friends had taken and I was ready for it - cooked enough food to feed 1.5 stomach at home - planned easy lunch box for Dewy - told ofc that I might be little off due to low RAM  And now 8 hrs after vaccine- have sore arms(expected) and little laziness( almost my second nature) # my friends enquire and ask to take ...

Now this one word could evoke many different kinds of thought. It can be about all the fun times, our personal travel through the period of college life, some best moments and such stuff. Apart from all these, something else is now popping up in my head.. I recently watched a documentary about the infamous college scandal. And that led me down to a rabbit hole to see the details about admission, colleges, and most importantly fees.  Now that certainly contributed to some sleepless nights. I always had this dream of showing off a Harvard or Yale sweatshirt. Looks like that's a distant dream because not only the competition is supremely fierce it is insanely costly. And now I started seeing myself in Berkley , UCLA or even CML sweatshirts. We  belong to a world where name matters. My parents always used to point at people like Kalam and say that you can do well in life wherever you study, if you are really that capable. That doesn't cut any more.  I always say that we India...

In an interview,  Indira Nooyi said women can't have it all. It is always a balancing act and unluckily it is always guilt ridden on both sides of balance.  At 20's, when you are in early phases of career, focus is generally on the new family. At 30's when you are mid level giving you opportunity to grow, focus is on kids who needs your help At 40's when you almost make a decision to finally settle into some place, parents need you But at 50's, (since I am not Indira Nooyi) I want to stop going on this guilt trip and instead do trips around the world and see places. Happy Women's Day!!!

Dewy as soon as she gets into car after school. "so did you eat lunch? " Me perplexed, then I remember that I have been almost avoiding lunches in the day madam goes to school. Hence the question  Politely say "no.. not yet!"  and avoided further conversation on it. Another day Dewy again: Did you drink water from morning?  Me(almost ignoring. Not because I want to avoid her questioning but because I didn't drink any and didn't want to say out loud)  She fills in bottle with water and bangs it right next to me on the table. I was having argument with my manager only something related to work which I am not happy about. Dewy listens to it quietly. After I end call, she comes and gives me a peck and tight hug. Another day, I was working ( which seems to be always 🤣🤣) , she brings out my shrug and our back massager and puts it on my back. Where is my Dewy who was interested only in her toys, her iPad and her dresses. Surprised how these kids grown on us witho...

 At times I do need to do this. Random Ramble.  There are 200 things running in the brain at the same time. Work (never dearth here), personal life, waiting period on extension and , a future all seem to be hitting me at the same time. OK, that's not 200. But feels like that We recently lost one of my uncle to COVID and it is somehow shattered the peace and I am shaken. Now I am questioning too many things including me coming up here and leaving my parents there alone It felt like a right decision for me and Dewy at that time and now can't deny there is some serious soul searching happening You don't get what you want and when you get it , all the things that can go wrong; goes wrong and ta-da.... there you are my guilt-ridden-conscious jumping right at me Though I was going on a day-at-a-time process..... I am little tipsy about everything right now.  Do I stay or Do I return.  Alone in homeland or Alone as Resident Alien.  How the heck do I save for Dewy's edu...

 Dewy and I did our fair share of trail walking and climbing rugged (as rugged as we  can manage) mountains last summer. Last year presented its own challenges and one being no roaming in summers. Winters anyway we are bound to home. So we found a new venue to burn our energy that's walking/hiking or sometimes us just heaving through the less trodden paths Dewy (infact for a lazybones) did a good amount of walking and she took it in stride(certainly pun intended) One thing that we rocked is, we climbed a 4 mile hike with her. She did whine a little at the 3rd mile, but nothing deterred her to climb some 1000 feet. This trail was listed as strenuous. But I think it is a new love that we found together. I love to spend that time with nature instead of looking into screens and I felt we at least spend some time together like this and talk to each other.  Recently I have had this feeling that we don't talk much. It is part of teenagism coming my way. But since it is very weir...

Hey Girl!! Hello... You know I like to tell you I have a favorite season It is a free country. You are entitled to have one. What is it by the way? It is FALL season Oh (Not the happy one). Let me ask, what are the other seasons you love. I mean the next best (hoping) I have only 2 seasons in my place, FALL and STUNTED Now you have me in surprise. Are you saying it is never gets better in your land It was good in the early periods of life, but right now there is dearth of everything and absolute lack of respect Sighhh. I get that. Corporate Life. I have given enough pre- warnings to my caretaker by all those falling sprigs almost everywhere she can see Forementioned Caregiver begging: I promise my dear I will do my best to care for your natural resources, meanwhile, please don't wither on me. Dewy would stop introducing me to her friends if I become bald.