Jagamum naan Ahamum naan

 This is little late probably a little too late. But this year was a like a roller coaster ... one of the good kinds. So 1) I left my company which was like my home base for last 15 years and kind of becoming my second home. It took me lot of courage to leave the place.  2) Moved to a completely different city. It wasn't easy as the older place had gotten comfortable 3) Added someone to family. We had challenges but at the end it turned out good 4) Dewy had her own challenges to move from a friend overloaded place to a place where finding a cow is easier than finding friends 5) Dewy finding her way to manage her life around different things in a new place by itself was something that I am thankful for. We all grow in different way and this was hers 6) We did California. Literally California - LA, San Francisco, Monterey Bay, Lake Tahoe. It was one hell of trip for 10 days and it ended with some unexpected surprises 7) We finally did the Disney. The one thing I promised Dewy wh...

I have been planning for this change a long time. I had discussed this with Dewy that we would have to deal with it but somehow when the change comes in , it hits you like a tornado But you know in my case if it not just one change it is just a lot of changesssssssss. 1) Changed my employer. Wasn't easy because I probably had plans (you know the one you make as soon as you get your first paycheck) to retire from the same organization. This wasn't easy but somehow I was feeling very suffocated with my growth both technically and financially. I am still not happy but grass on this side is lot greener. A lot of contemplation on this. Saving it for another time 2) Moved states. Dewy was fore-warned that we would move out of our comfortable high rise to a place where she gets a better school district. But states. Wasn't in the plan. Work and few other commitments dragged me out of Burgh. Is it good? Yet to know but I am slightly happy that I decided to move as it gave me opportu...

Do I dare to dream!! These days I don't spend too much time to think what I need to put here . Can't deny that I have did in past or when I started out this blogging business. Now this has become a place where I just put in my random thoughts and which I know in my senile age I would read and try to remember what triggered it. On this one. It is not categorized because it is just confused me writing it..  When you are not sure what is that you are getting how the heck to react? Is it just a small gift that you get once and then cherish forever. Is it a chocolate ice cream that you treat yourselves every now and then but then melts out of your hands if you try to hold on to it. Or is it a something that you know you will have in life throughout.  Jaded I have seen it, felt it Even treasured it It is out there in front of you People seem to be full of it Reach for it , it swifts by And to think ,you almost has a grasp It cant be all that laborious After all it is ubiquitous...

 January is already over and it went in a jiffy. It took me some solid time to get over the fact that it would take me sometime to go and meet my parents again, plus booster dose knocking me out completely ( Now I know my first 2 doses were saline) and then a horrendous cold. That's how I didn't realize it went fast. I remember writing some dreary post about home and then instead of publishing I deleted it. That being said, I thought I wont make this one droopy This is about some smells that bring me smile or :-( 1) Camphor- This reminds me of home. It is not that camphor was lit every day in my home, but it was lit during pooja and somehow it reminds me of mom at our home 2) Agarbathi- The funny part is , I don't remember this as part of pooja ingredient but as a closet freshener. It is mom's go to method to keep bugs away from her closets.  I just opened a fresh bed spread I brought from India and Dewy immediately said Oh this smells like Ammumma's home 3) Dawn Di...

It takes 2 hands to clap and it always takes 2 inclined individuals in a relationship. Be it Mother- Daughter, or friends or relationship. In some hazy relations , you don't even know that you have started off and driven far away and the other one is still back there because the other engine doesn't start that easily. It is only surprising how human nature agrees to ignore the bad engine as an one time trouble and brushes past it when needed. Other times, the same broken engine becomes the topic in the next gathering causing unwanted attention to a minor problem.  One small expectation, few presumptions, a argument, and big-fat ego is all it takes.  I have some self destructing habits which always comes to foray at the worst times. I trust a person just because I always see the good in a person and I have forgiven  because it takes too much of energy to hold the anger. This usually leads to people assuming that I am okay to be trampled over.  Not this time, not anymo...

 Hello 2022.... In contrast to my previous year, 2021 went pretty fast. Am I eager to go to 2022? Like Dewy says possibly, probably, might be, hopefully. But to reminiscence 2021, here I go 1) Best New Year one could have!! Florida, Sun, Beach and one of your bestie 2) Dewy growing up right in front of my eyes. Does this count?  3) One of my career goals met which would help me to step up in my personal life 4) I did my trip to India. Yep the same one that 2020 sunk. Though it was filled with work and list of items that I was in my to-do, but it was good. I felt that my parents have shrunk and had few interesting discussions (A whole new topic for some other time) 5) Got a beautiful car. I remember buying my Chevy and excited to transition from Maruti 800  and having my initial troubles with the zip drive and the brakes 6) Met my darlings and spent solid time with them and discussing whatnots. This is something I wish I could do more often And here I am in the last w...

Funny it is.. all I wanted was for my bestie to settle down.  I was super happy that it all worked out despite the troubles and cold feet( which I had warm up gazillion times). And on the day of wedding or reception,  I dolled up with my friends and was all ready to see the bride and groom. I was happy to see them and then like someone pulled rug from under the feet it was all very unsteady. I felt that the luxury I had to pick up phone, just call and pester this person would never be there anymore. It was a void I knew I would have and still it was too much to digest in one go. On the way back I didn't talk much to my ladies and I was just numb. So high school-ish of me.  Does it affect our friendship-no Does it change the way we talk and react to each other -no But this person was my 3 AM friend , which might not be that easy any more. We learn to adapt and work around the changes and just that some things need time.

 I can't stress the amount of ! I have put into this post. I am going to India for a vacation(well deserved, I say so). I have planned it to T in 2020 and it all went withering. This time I have kept it secret so that even Murphy cannot apply his law into my plans. I have been dying to see my parents and be with them. No amount of convincing has made them to change plans about coming here. One of the reasons I wanted them to come here to see how I have setup my life here in a completely new place. But anyway different covid test rules, different rt-pcr timelines I am past all those and here I am stepping into Chennai. Salty, humidy air here I come.

 Yesterday, I completed 15 years with my company. I do remember distinctively the day I attended the big first day session in a hall in Coimbatore where we were handed over our welcome kit and I was elated. First job, fresh out of college certainly has its charms. I got a fancy numbered employee ID with the company. And I remember telling my friends that it is an easy number to remember. After 15 years, it is etched into my brain and it is still a fancy number to me. At that time, I wasn't too oriented towards what  I want to become because I was still in cloud nine of being independent.  Out of these 15, last 9 has been with the same project where I grew and Dewy grew. And in fact these 9 years has been totally because of 2 women - Mom and Dewy. It has been a roller coaster ride. Mom supported me through everything with work (all late nights) , with Dewy and my home. Dewy adjusted her best she could when we moved to a new country. To sound cliché, I did have few goo...

Dear Home Room Teacher,  Thanks a lot for the feedback that we didn't hit our usual average of naughty things and hence there is nothing to talk about. I didn't realize that it is so despicable to talk to me but considering our poor performance I can't expect more. Surprisingly I was also informed by other distressed parents that they also got the same message. Looks like the bearable average has increased post COVID home schooling. Considering you have lesser pranksters to meet, can you please open school tomorrow? I have gotten used to productive work from 9 to 4 and would like to get that back instead of hearing really bad jokes and poked and prodded asking tab time right when I have to present in the meeting. With undiluted respect, Mommy

My mom All these years , even today I don't see her relaxing or complaining of her health. All my years that I remember, I have seen her running pillar to post to make sure me and our home had its best.  She has my pillar of support. My bad days, My good days- She has been part of all it. Even when I am in my worst moments, she has been with me. Why this post? You may ask.  Dewy triggered something in me yesterday.  There was a small kismish between us and I felt little betrayed that Dewy didn't bother much about my how I care about her and was little too self centered. It made me feel (a tinge) that it really doesn't matter to my daughter how I take care of her and all she cares is what she does. All the well meaning genes in me says that it is temporary and that's how most kids are and it is my responsibility to teach her to care(will get there slowly). Then was thinking through night that if I have ever made my mom feel like that.  I am no where near her when it c...

These past few weeks have been emotionally draining and continues to be. To simply put it, I am absolutely not happy. I mean one would think that this would require a trip to therapist. I did have some absolutely overwhelming news that should trigger a Yay!!! Mood instead all I have is this melancholy. And as it says I have not just one but few reasons around it nothing big but cannot be thrown away as well. I generally don't say this out loud and my friends who tag me as workaholic would gasp. But I don't like my job anymore. I don't do anything interesting. I am doing repetitive stuff and stuck in a rut. Last few days had many emotional altercation with my friend and it has also been a drainer. Infact that was one big reason Plus this new lease of life that I have been handed over to me has added many questions about what kind of place am I in. Only shining star in this whole cloudy looming sky is Dewy. I have been thoroughly enjoying spending time with her not only to se...

Its so complicated being a kid these days. I mean I remember the petty fights and who-is-the-real-boss-here problems but now it is so much more. Dewy was out for few days due to cold(And not COVID). I have to say, never ever have been a scenario where a runny nose was dealt with so much of apprehension. Anyway so I kept at home, tortured her with steam and home made chukku kaapi (For the unenlightened people, that's a concoction made with dry ginger powder, pepper and various other stuff which is meant to flush the cold out) And after 5 days of hiatus and my torture, we decided to go back to school this Monday and the scene unfurls. Dewy and I go to the bus stop where her so-called besties are waiting and I was expecting them to kind of more warm and happy to see Dewy back considering how thick as thieves these are all together.   They just walked away as soon as she went and stood next to them. I felt hurt. I felt bad for Dewy. Friendships doesn't have to be this complicated ...

Start weekend by buying veggies Cut them and cook them into nice curries( not to blow my own horn) Pack them and load into fridge. Every day take some, heat and feed family This schedule is expertly devised to minimize the time I spend in kitchen. One grapling hole to this plan is I am always stocking my fridge , but never get to eat freshly cooked, hot meals What I would I give to eat some food after cooking when the steam is still bellowing and the smell of food just pulls you to gobble more -  Tooth and Nail, or Visa and more 😉 I can't remember or even imagine my mom getting up every day at 4 and cooking,  washing, and still getting ready in neat saree to go to office which required additional gymnastics of climbing stairs, running to catch trains or even locking up our house which had  too many doors that needed to be locked up. There wasn't a single stuff she missed at home or for me/ dad and still she was never frustrated or angry. Now that's a level to achieve and...

A normal week and working day. My friend had come from Charlotte and she has been wanting to see ISKCON because for some weird reason we couldn't do it the last 2 times she was here though we planned. Infact we did a trip to Chicago and had ISKCON baked into our plan and we missed it. So I suggested that we take a half day off and go and visit after all it's 45 miles from my place. That sounded sane. Dewy is never fan of going 1 hr drive to just see Krishna Kanhaiya( no offence to you Lord) she is never a fan of going on long drives despite the fact that I absolutely love driving and can do driving like truck drivers. Rabbit hole, Alice!!  So all set to go in morning,  ironed clothes( absolutely detest this job) and ready. Somewhere in deep down , I felt bad that I am not taking Dewy. And after some long lip chewing I went and told my friend that can we do on weekend before you go. She knows how crazy I am for Dewy because she is too and she agreed. Now if someone tells me the...

 It is beautiful, misty and gorgeous to look at. It seems to start right at my back yard when the sun glistens through the dewdrops  but it never seems to end..  Where is the gold at the end of this rainbow My current life seems to be like that rainbow. Last few months has been getting my work visa sorted and then it was to buy a new car and then something else. It is always some goal or other. I always assume that there would be light at end of tunnel , but it is tiny crack that lets some sunlight in and then again another longer tunnel ahead. I had promised myself that I would take one day at a time, not plan ahead and just make sure Dewy gets everything and all accounted for. But I let myself get ahead of that. The thrill and rush of chasing a dream and achieving it feel relishing and exhausting at the same time. Would I be able to survive this rush every time and if yes how long time .. When will I get to sit and enjoy that beautiful colors in a rainbow which is nothi...

We don't talk any more. It is more mechanical discussions these days. You know the ones that you need to get by. Eat, clean, sleep and all those itty-bitty stuff. I didn't think I would be going through this early in our relationship. We were friends like good friends. We had many things to discuss in common. We learnt from each other and were contended at end of day. What changed? Did I get boring? Or it is just a phase that I have to deal.  Do you remember the walks we took at night. It was small but nice ones. I mean what a lot of rubbish we talk at that time. I don't even get to know you these days. Like how did the day go, how were things and suddenly all seems to be alien to me. If this is what I am getting now,  can't imagine what teen would bring me.   Let's get our act together Dewy. I want to go back being your bestie. Talk all nonsense in world. You know... let's not go overboard as well.. you know me dear.  I am not touchy feeling lovey gooey mommy....

In the last decade, I have never been jobless. This is the first time, I nothing to do.  Before you think something drastically,  I am in forced vacation do to visa restrictions. I have always taken work as my release mechanism. All my problems, worries and insecurities would go away when I work. My friends call me workaholic, may be its my way to find sanity  So now , one week of no work, I imagined that it would drive me to front of therapist door faster. But to my surprise I enjoyed it-The time off. No pressure, no deadlines, multitude of other things tied to job. Obviously I found 100 other things at home to fix and  shop but it felt good.  I am now very seriously thinking about fact that I need to take such breaks at times to bring down craziness. My toughest of toughest periods were easily crushed by work that didn't leave me an ounce of energy to think or even worry. Now if I am enjoying a break.. boy was I surprised. Or is it just my 30s going 40s now te...

It is a late reaction. But still this is a milestone worth mention.. though I am a month late. A little more than a month late..  Dewy is 9. Time flies and you never know. Every day has been a melè of emotions. There are days she had made me question my sanity and some when she is the  reason. Between piggytailed human to the plaited tween, I can check all boxes of expressions that I would have felt and I many times wonder, is it just me or all parents feel the same. But let's say.. do I want to change anything in the last 9 years as far as Dewy is concerned.. nah. Just that she could have slept more as a baby, show interests in same games as I like, read books , not be whiny in a long drive, and few such small small changes. But who am I kidding. It is never easy to bring a child up. No way is the right way. No tried tested method to say that this works and I hope that my way ( whatever it is. Sometimes I wonder if there is a way that I use) is bringing her good and she is gr...

On those golden days, long long ago, once upon a time all you need to step out of house was a decent dress, and neat presentation and some perfume. Nowadays this new addition to face in the form of mask, has brought in its own set of comical trouble I can't count the number is times I have left house in all josh only to come back in to get a mask within next few minutes I left doing upper lip as it is covered by mask; so the days at home I sport a well oiled tache  We color coordinate masks between mother daughter Duo and walk around as if anyone really cares about it So in the decision to step forward towards covid free world , I went and took my vaccine. Now all my friends had taken and I was ready for it - cooked enough food to feed 1.5 stomach at home - planned easy lunch box for Dewy - told ofc that I might be little off due to low RAM  And now 8 hrs after vaccine- have sore arms(expected) and little laziness( almost my second nature) # my friends enquire and ask to take ...