Jagamum naan Ahamum naan

A normal week and working day. My friend had come from Charlotte and she has been wanting to see ISKCON because for some weird reason we couldn't do it the last 2 times she was here though we planned. Infact we did a trip to Chicago and had ISKCON baked into our plan and we missed it. So I suggested that we take a half day off and go and visit after all it's 45 miles from my place. That sounded sane. Dewy is never fan of going 1 hr drive to just see Krishna Kanhaiya( no offence to you Lord) she is never a fan of going on long drives despite the fact that I absolutely love driving and can do driving like truck drivers. Rabbit hole, Alice!!  So all set to go in morning,  ironed clothes( absolutely detest this job) and ready. Somewhere in deep down , I felt bad that I am not taking Dewy. And after some long lip chewing I went and told my friend that can we do on weekend before you go. She knows how crazy I am for Dewy because she is too and she agreed. Now if someone tells me the...

 It is beautiful, misty and gorgeous to look at. It seems to start right at my back yard when the sun glistens through the dewdrops  but it never seems to end..  Where is the gold at the end of this rainbow My current life seems to be like that rainbow. Last few months has been getting my work visa sorted and then it was to buy a new car and then something else. It is always some goal or other. I always assume that there would be light at end of tunnel , but it is tiny crack that lets some sunlight in and then again another longer tunnel ahead. I had promised myself that I would take one day at a time, not plan ahead and just make sure Dewy gets everything and all accounted for. But I let myself get ahead of that. The thrill and rush of chasing a dream and achieving it feel relishing and exhausting at the same time. Would I be able to survive this rush every time and if yes how long time .. When will I get to sit and enjoy that beautiful colors in a rainbow which is nothi...

We don't talk any more. It is more mechanical discussions these days. You know the ones that you need to get by. Eat, clean, sleep and all those itty-bitty stuff. I didn't think I would be going through this early in our relationship. We were friends like good friends. We had many things to discuss in common. We learnt from each other and were contended at end of day. What changed? Did I get boring? Or it is just a phase that I have to deal.  Do you remember the walks we took at night. It was small but nice ones. I mean what a lot of rubbish we talk at that time. I don't even get to know you these days. Like how did the day go, how were things and suddenly all seems to be alien to me. If this is what I am getting now,  can't imagine what teen would bring me.   Let's get our act together Dewy. I want to go back being your bestie. Talk all nonsense in world. You know... let's not go overboard as well.. you know me dear.  I am not touchy feeling lovey gooey mommy....

In the last decade, I have never been jobless. This is the first time, I nothing to do.  Before you think something drastically,  I am in forced vacation do to visa restrictions. I have always taken work as my release mechanism. All my problems, worries and insecurities would go away when I work. My friends call me workaholic, may be its my way to find sanity  So now , one week of no work, I imagined that it would drive me to front of therapist door faster. But to my surprise I enjoyed it-The time off. No pressure, no deadlines, multitude of other things tied to job. Obviously I found 100 other things at home to fix and  shop but it felt good.  I am now very seriously thinking about fact that I need to take such breaks at times to bring down craziness. My toughest of toughest periods were easily crushed by work that didn't leave me an ounce of energy to think or even worry. Now if I am enjoying a break.. boy was I surprised. Or is it just my 30s going 40s now te...

It is a late reaction. But still this is a milestone worth mention.. though I am a month late. A little more than a month late..  Dewy is 9. Time flies and you never know. Every day has been a melè of emotions. There are days she had made me question my sanity and some when she is the  reason. Between piggytailed human to the plaited tween, I can check all boxes of expressions that I would have felt and I many times wonder, is it just me or all parents feel the same. But let's say.. do I want to change anything in the last 9 years as far as Dewy is concerned.. nah. Just that she could have slept more as a baby, show interests in same games as I like, read books , not be whiny in a long drive, and few such small small changes. But who am I kidding. It is never easy to bring a child up. No way is the right way. No tried tested method to say that this works and I hope that my way ( whatever it is. Sometimes I wonder if there is a way that I use) is bringing her good and she is gr...

On those golden days, long long ago, once upon a time all you need to step out of house was a decent dress, and neat presentation and some perfume. Nowadays this new addition to face in the form of mask, has brought in its own set of comical trouble I can't count the number is times I have left house in all josh only to come back in to get a mask within next few minutes I left doing upper lip as it is covered by mask; so the days at home I sport a well oiled tache  We color coordinate masks between mother daughter Duo and walk around as if anyone really cares about it So in the decision to step forward towards covid free world , I went and took my vaccine. Now all my friends had taken and I was ready for it - cooked enough food to feed 1.5 stomach at home - planned easy lunch box for Dewy - told ofc that I might be little off due to low RAM  And now 8 hrs after vaccine- have sore arms(expected) and little laziness( almost my second nature) # my friends enquire and ask to take ...

Now this one word could evoke many different kinds of thought. It can be about all the fun times, our personal travel through the period of college life, some best moments and such stuff. Apart from all these, something else is now popping up in my head.. I recently watched a documentary about the infamous college scandal. And that led me down to a rabbit hole to see the details about admission, colleges, and most importantly fees.  Now that certainly contributed to some sleepless nights. I always had this dream of showing off a Harvard or Yale sweatshirt. Looks like that's a distant dream because not only the competition is supremely fierce it is insanely costly. And now I started seeing myself in Berkley , UCLA or even CML sweatshirts. We  belong to a world where name matters. My parents always used to point at people like Kalam and say that you can do well in life wherever you study, if you are really that capable. That doesn't cut any more.  I always say that we India...

In an interview,  Indira Nooyi said women can't have it all. It is always a balancing act and unluckily it is always guilt ridden on both sides of balance.  At 20's, when you are in early phases of career, focus is generally on the new family. At 30's when you are mid level giving you opportunity to grow, focus is on kids who needs your help At 40's when you almost make a decision to finally settle into some place, parents need you But at 50's, (since I am not Indira Nooyi) I want to stop going on this guilt trip and instead do trips around the world and see places. Happy Women's Day!!!

Dewy as soon as she gets into car after school. "so did you eat lunch? " Me perplexed, then I remember that I have been almost avoiding lunches in the day madam goes to school. Hence the question  Politely say "no.. not yet!"  and avoided further conversation on it. Another day Dewy again: Did you drink water from morning?  Me(almost ignoring. Not because I want to avoid her questioning but because I didn't drink any and didn't want to say out loud)  She fills in bottle with water and bangs it right next to me on the table. I was having argument with my manager only something related to work which I am not happy about. Dewy listens to it quietly. After I end call, she comes and gives me a peck and tight hug. Another day, I was working ( which seems to be always 🤣🤣) , she brings out my shrug and our back massager and puts it on my back. Where is my Dewy who was interested only in her toys, her iPad and her dresses. Surprised how these kids grown on us witho...

 At times I do need to do this. Random Ramble.  There are 200 things running in the brain at the same time. Work (never dearth here), personal life, waiting period on extension and , a future all seem to be hitting me at the same time. OK, that's not 200. But feels like that We recently lost one of my uncle to COVID and it is somehow shattered the peace and I am shaken. Now I am questioning too many things including me coming up here and leaving my parents there alone It felt like a right decision for me and Dewy at that time and now can't deny there is some serious soul searching happening You don't get what you want and when you get it , all the things that can go wrong; goes wrong and ta-da.... there you are my guilt-ridden-conscious jumping right at me Though I was going on a day-at-a-time process..... I am little tipsy about everything right now.  Do I stay or Do I return.  Alone in homeland or Alone as Resident Alien.  How the heck do I save for Dewy's edu...

 Dewy and I did our fair share of trail walking and climbing rugged (as rugged as we  can manage) mountains last summer. Last year presented its own challenges and one being no roaming in summers. Winters anyway we are bound to home. So we found a new venue to burn our energy that's walking/hiking or sometimes us just heaving through the less trodden paths Dewy (infact for a lazybones) did a good amount of walking and she took it in stride(certainly pun intended) One thing that we rocked is, we climbed a 4 mile hike with her. She did whine a little at the 3rd mile, but nothing deterred her to climb some 1000 feet. This trail was listed as strenuous. But I think it is a new love that we found together. I love to spend that time with nature instead of looking into screens and I felt we at least spend some time together like this and talk to each other.  Recently I have had this feeling that we don't talk much. It is part of teenagism coming my way. But since it is very weir...

Hey Girl!! Hello... You know I like to tell you I have a favorite season It is a free country. You are entitled to have one. What is it by the way? It is FALL season Oh (Not the happy one). Let me ask, what are the other seasons you love. I mean the next best (hoping) I have only 2 seasons in my place, FALL and STUNTED Now you have me in surprise. Are you saying it is never gets better in your land It was good in the early periods of life, but right now there is dearth of everything and absolute lack of respect Sighhh. I get that. Corporate Life. I have given enough pre- warnings to my caretaker by all those falling sprigs almost everywhere she can see Forementioned Caregiver begging: I promise my dear I will do my best to care for your natural resources, meanwhile, please don't wither on me. Dewy would stop introducing me to her friends if I become bald. 

 When I was writing a similar one 365 days before, I never realized the year would turn so upside down that I can't even comprehend So Happy New Year 2021. You seem to be everyone's favorite and you seem to elude a lot of positivity and hope just because you are 2021. Now to go back to 2020.... 1)  Probably thankful that all my family are safe and sound , I know it sounds selfish but you see.. 2) Dewy and I learnt a new thing about ourselves that we can co-exist in a small house and see each other every awake moment and still be sane. Pat on the back 3) Last year I added walking back to life and continued to do so this year and infact at a better pace 4) I still do Diamond Painting. It does bring some peace 5) Our India trip flunked into sea like Titanic and still harboring the idea that it would happen with you coming to our life darling 2021 6) Dewy did 3 Math olympiads and came out in flying colors in all of them with some National level awards and Silver medals 7) I gained ...

We started with Doctor (isn't it that a noble profession that all of us wanted to do as a child)   Then we moved to Doctor in Space( This is the period when we were doing the summer camps about   Space)                And now it is Designer (Dress Designer to be exact) This is  my own Dewy I am talking about. This is 8 year old status. I remember vaguely that I was pretty directionless till my 10th and then one thing got cleared that "Oh crap, I hate biology". So that just took away one option. Then I fell in love with computers and by the process of elimination, I fell into Engineering as my stream. I really hope Dewy has it all figured out better than what I did with my life.  I would help her in whatever way she needs,  to do what her heart desires. With all her love towards math I was hoping for something different , but Fashion Designer. Sighhhhh....  I have work cut out for me.

Someone recently told me that I am not as strong as I put up a face in front of people.  How true!!!  But let me see, is it only me or almost half of the world we see out there does the same. I would say the later part is true. We are all programmed to adjust and assimilate the environment. And when, things are not , we deal going well, we deal with it in our own terms. Some become frenzy, some go sick, some just become cold(tune out) to the dark clouds and I just do all 3 together. I remember there was a day, when I got into the wrong rail line while coming back from work as I was so engrossed into a office call. I realized it a while later so couldn't get off anywhere in between that would make it easier to go to my stop. This mistake would make me late to be at home before Dewy comes home. And I always see any mistakes as my incompetence. Now the thing is I have wonderful neighbors who took Dewy in and she was perfectly safe. But to me, if I have to be at home before she co...

O me, what eyes hath Love put in my head,  Which have no correspondence with true sight! Or, if they have, where is my judgment fled, That censures falsely what they see aright? Now what has gotten into me. I don't know. I read " Mid Summer Night's Dream" sometimes (many times) when I want a brain less reading material. I love this play that Shakespeare had written because of the simplicity of the scheming which goes in there and all the funny names of the fairies and their helpers. So this is a part of sonnet attached to that play and I always feel truly connected to these words. What we see might not be what it is and sometimes though our brain knows that it is not correct, but eyes tells something else to brain and muddles up judgements. Am in a similar predicament. Now to put it in words, yeah .... makes it difficult. Don't we all at times fight out this inner muddle which has no sense or sensibility to it and still there seems to be no way to be out of it. I ...

There are lot of useless things which happens and a very few are note worthy. Some of those  **************** At 5 PM, there comes a knock at door. I went to open. Blessed with a friend of Dewy asking " Is Dewy there?"  Yes, she is. "Can you ask her to open door?" Puzzled.. " Door is already open,  will call her" "No, I want her to open door. I have a surprise." "You mean , you want me to close and ask her to open?"  "This is her house, she should open".. comes the reply Yeah, I just clean house, cook food and pay rent. Why bother!!! ************** Sunday Morning: Me: Planning to do tomato rice for lunch Dewy: I don't like it Me: Does that matter? Dewy: I want peas place. Me: This isn't restaurant. Can't cater to different needs Dewy: Where am I asking different things. Just replace Rice of the day from Tomato Rice to Peas Pulav. Do I dare to talk more. Nope ***************** There was a scheduled power outage last...

 We were doing some age comparison (math fun)  while driving back from guitar class and Dewy was talking about 18 years. So I told her that at 18 she is on her own to find way for her studies and work and I would go out on Europe trip.  It immediately backfired on me. "When ever you work late, you tell me that all the hard work I am doing now is for you, but if you are anyway going to do Europe trip, spend more time with me now instead of working. I always see you between kitchen, office and calls that I feel bad to ask you to spend time with me.", whined Dewy.  Ohhh that hurt. I had to explain to her slowly that just because I am busy doesn't mean I can't spend time with her and obviously she is important to me , now and always. And slyly I did tell her that I will certainly do Europe trip at some point in my life when she is all settled with her stuff. Somehow in the heat of the discussion that went unnoticed 😀😀😀 I am at fault that in bustling corporate life and...

So much for developed country!!  I think my rant on this is never going to change. Its as simple as this. I wanted to change the car tires before it starts to snow and avoid you know like my last year adventure where I went into a tizzy. So I went to near by service guy and asked about the tire types, expected mileage and life. It is already painful to do this discussion with the masks on as the voices are damn muffled and it makes you at times guess some of the discussion. I asked the guy about TPMS ( the pressure monitoring system) that is also most of the times changed with the tires (at times freely by the Servicing company) and this guy said "Brakes are not anywhere tires. We don't touch them". I was little confused. Why was he talking about brakes and even worse why is he giving me a smirk. I was like huh? what? He again said brakes pad are on wheels and has nothing to do with tires. Now I got it that he didn't get what TPMS was. I had to tell him that I was ask...

 Dewy and I engage in lot of verbal warfare at home. Had to pass time you see. So one particular day was tough as such at work and had few stuff to clear from home front as well. So all I wanted was to put myself to bed and go to blissful world. I casually mentioned that to Dewy and in her sometimes-not-so-kind voice told me , "Haven't you been sitting now for sometime?" So this is the 10 minutes I spent sitting in the rocking chair watching some netflix. I decided that I am exhausted even to engage in a duel and hence I kindly submit to Her Highness and say "Yes Maam, I can't complain". Mommy days at best!!