Jagamum naan Ahamum naan

In an interview,  Indira Nooyi said women can't have it all. It is always a balancing act and unluckily it is always guilt ridden on both sides of balance.  At 20's, when you are in early phases of career, focus is generally on the new family. At 30's when you are mid level giving you opportunity to grow, focus is on kids who needs your help At 40's when you almost make a decision to finally settle into some place, parents need you But at 50's, (since I am not Indira Nooyi) I want to stop going on this guilt trip and instead do trips around the world and see places. Happy Women's Day!!!

Dewy as soon as she gets into car after school. "so did you eat lunch? " Me perplexed, then I remember that I have been almost avoiding lunches in the day madam goes to school. Hence the question  Politely say "no.. not yet!"  and avoided further conversation on it. Another day Dewy again: Did you drink water from morning?  Me(almost ignoring. Not because I want to avoid her questioning but because I didn't drink any and didn't want to say out loud)  She fills in bottle with water and bangs it right next to me on the table. I was having argument with my manager only something related to work which I am not happy about. Dewy listens to it quietly. After I end call, she comes and gives me a peck and tight hug. Another day, I was working ( which seems to be always 🤣🤣) , she brings out my shrug and our back massager and puts it on my back. Where is my Dewy who was interested only in her toys, her iPad and her dresses. Surprised how these kids grown on us witho...

 At times I do need to do this. Random Ramble.  There are 200 things running in the brain at the same time. Work (never dearth here), personal life, waiting period on extension and , a future all seem to be hitting me at the same time. OK, that's not 200. But feels like that We recently lost one of my uncle to COVID and it is somehow shattered the peace and I am shaken. Now I am questioning too many things including me coming up here and leaving my parents there alone It felt like a right decision for me and Dewy at that time and now can't deny there is some serious soul searching happening You don't get what you want and when you get it , all the things that can go wrong; goes wrong and ta-da.... there you are my guilt-ridden-conscious jumping right at me Though I was going on a day-at-a-time process..... I am little tipsy about everything right now.  Do I stay or Do I return.  Alone in homeland or Alone as Resident Alien.  How the heck do I save for Dewy's edu...

 Dewy and I did our fair share of trail walking and climbing rugged (as rugged as we  can manage) mountains last summer. Last year presented its own challenges and one being no roaming in summers. Winters anyway we are bound to home. So we found a new venue to burn our energy that's walking/hiking or sometimes us just heaving through the less trodden paths Dewy (infact for a lazybones) did a good amount of walking and she took it in stride(certainly pun intended) One thing that we rocked is, we climbed a 4 mile hike with her. She did whine a little at the 3rd mile, but nothing deterred her to climb some 1000 feet. This trail was listed as strenuous. But I think it is a new love that we found together. I love to spend that time with nature instead of looking into screens and I felt we at least spend some time together like this and talk to each other.  Recently I have had this feeling that we don't talk much. It is part of teenagism coming my way. But since it is very weir...

Hey Girl!! Hello... You know I like to tell you I have a favorite season It is a free country. You are entitled to have one. What is it by the way? It is FALL season Oh (Not the happy one). Let me ask, what are the other seasons you love. I mean the next best (hoping) I have only 2 seasons in my place, FALL and STUNTED Now you have me in surprise. Are you saying it is never gets better in your land It was good in the early periods of life, but right now there is dearth of everything and absolute lack of respect Sighhh. I get that. Corporate Life. I have given enough pre- warnings to my caretaker by all those falling sprigs almost everywhere she can see Forementioned Caregiver begging: I promise my dear I will do my best to care for your natural resources, meanwhile, please don't wither on me. Dewy would stop introducing me to her friends if I become bald. 

 When I was writing a similar one 365 days before, I never realized the year would turn so upside down that I can't even comprehend So Happy New Year 2021. You seem to be everyone's favorite and you seem to elude a lot of positivity and hope just because you are 2021. Now to go back to 2020.... 1)  Probably thankful that all my family are safe and sound , I know it sounds selfish but you see.. 2) Dewy and I learnt a new thing about ourselves that we can co-exist in a small house and see each other every awake moment and still be sane. Pat on the back 3) Last year I added walking back to life and continued to do so this year and infact at a better pace 4) I still do Diamond Painting. It does bring some peace 5) Our India trip flunked into sea like Titanic and still harboring the idea that it would happen with you coming to our life darling 2021 6) Dewy did 3 Math olympiads and came out in flying colors in all of them with some National level awards and Silver medals 7) I gained ...

We started with Doctor (isn't it that a noble profession that all of us wanted to do as a child)   Then we moved to Doctor in Space( This is the period when we were doing the summer camps about   Space)                And now it is Designer (Dress Designer to be exact) This is  my own Dewy I am talking about. This is 8 year old status. I remember vaguely that I was pretty directionless till my 10th and then one thing got cleared that "Oh crap, I hate biology". So that just took away one option. Then I fell in love with computers and by the process of elimination, I fell into Engineering as my stream. I really hope Dewy has it all figured out better than what I did with my life.  I would help her in whatever way she needs,  to do what her heart desires. With all her love towards math I was hoping for something different , but Fashion Designer. Sighhhhh....  I have work cut out for me.

Someone recently told me that I am not as strong as I put up a face in front of people.  How true!!!  But let me see, is it only me or almost half of the world we see out there does the same. I would say the later part is true. We are all programmed to adjust and assimilate the environment. And when, things are not , we deal going well, we deal with it in our own terms. Some become frenzy, some go sick, some just become cold(tune out) to the dark clouds and I just do all 3 together. I remember there was a day, when I got into the wrong rail line while coming back from work as I was so engrossed into a office call. I realized it a while later so couldn't get off anywhere in between that would make it easier to go to my stop. This mistake would make me late to be at home before Dewy comes home. And I always see any mistakes as my incompetence. Now the thing is I have wonderful neighbors who took Dewy in and she was perfectly safe. But to me, if I have to be at home before she co...

O me, what eyes hath Love put in my head,  Which have no correspondence with true sight! Or, if they have, where is my judgment fled, That censures falsely what they see aright? Now what has gotten into me. I don't know. I read " Mid Summer Night's Dream" sometimes (many times) when I want a brain less reading material. I love this play that Shakespeare had written because of the simplicity of the scheming which goes in there and all the funny names of the fairies and their helpers. So this is a part of sonnet attached to that play and I always feel truly connected to these words. What we see might not be what it is and sometimes though our brain knows that it is not correct, but eyes tells something else to brain and muddles up judgements. Am in a similar predicament. Now to put it in words, yeah .... makes it difficult. Don't we all at times fight out this inner muddle which has no sense or sensibility to it and still there seems to be no way to be out of it. I ...

There are lot of useless things which happens and a very few are note worthy. Some of those  **************** At 5 PM, there comes a knock at door. I went to open. Blessed with a friend of Dewy asking " Is Dewy there?"  Yes, she is. "Can you ask her to open door?" Puzzled.. " Door is already open,  will call her" "No, I want her to open door. I have a surprise." "You mean , you want me to close and ask her to open?"  "This is her house, she should open".. comes the reply Yeah, I just clean house, cook food and pay rent. Why bother!!! ************** Sunday Morning: Me: Planning to do tomato rice for lunch Dewy: I don't like it Me: Does that matter? Dewy: I want peas place. Me: This isn't restaurant. Can't cater to different needs Dewy: Where am I asking different things. Just replace Rice of the day from Tomato Rice to Peas Pulav. Do I dare to talk more. Nope ***************** There was a scheduled power outage last...

 We were doing some age comparison (math fun)  while driving back from guitar class and Dewy was talking about 18 years. So I told her that at 18 she is on her own to find way for her studies and work and I would go out on Europe trip.  It immediately backfired on me. "When ever you work late, you tell me that all the hard work I am doing now is for you, but if you are anyway going to do Europe trip, spend more time with me now instead of working. I always see you between kitchen, office and calls that I feel bad to ask you to spend time with me.", whined Dewy.  Ohhh that hurt. I had to explain to her slowly that just because I am busy doesn't mean I can't spend time with her and obviously she is important to me , now and always. And slyly I did tell her that I will certainly do Europe trip at some point in my life when she is all settled with her stuff. Somehow in the heat of the discussion that went unnoticed 😀😀😀 I am at fault that in bustling corporate life and...

So much for developed country!!  I think my rant on this is never going to change. Its as simple as this. I wanted to change the car tires before it starts to snow and avoid you know like my last year adventure where I went into a tizzy. So I went to near by service guy and asked about the tire types, expected mileage and life. It is already painful to do this discussion with the masks on as the voices are damn muffled and it makes you at times guess some of the discussion. I asked the guy about TPMS ( the pressure monitoring system) that is also most of the times changed with the tires (at times freely by the Servicing company) and this guy said "Brakes are not anywhere tires. We don't touch them". I was little confused. Why was he talking about brakes and even worse why is he giving me a smirk. I was like huh? what? He again said brakes pad are on wheels and has nothing to do with tires. Now I got it that he didn't get what TPMS was. I had to tell him that I was ask...

 Dewy and I engage in lot of verbal warfare at home. Had to pass time you see. So one particular day was tough as such at work and had few stuff to clear from home front as well. So all I wanted was to put myself to bed and go to blissful world. I casually mentioned that to Dewy and in her sometimes-not-so-kind voice told me , "Haven't you been sitting now for sometime?" So this is the 10 minutes I spent sitting in the rocking chair watching some netflix. I decided that I am exhausted even to engage in a duel and hence I kindly submit to Her Highness and say "Yes Maam, I can't complain". Mommy days at best!!

Now now.. Isn't 2020 a charming year. And perhaps you would tell me the year has been gloomy by itself. So why bother about this month.. Cold weather started. And since I love cold weather and have immense capability to quickly convert that love to runny nose, I have now a special appreciation to introverts. Its just a week of little low temperatures and I am forced to keep myself chained to home and I am suffocated already. (A little too dramatic, I agree) All through summer we searched for trails, hikes and at least that gave us sometime out of home and some way to be active. So now actively searching ways to be active but from the confines of home

Yeah a lab rat (Nope!!! not my cooking. We are well past it. I wouldn't do that blasphemy) Now to the topic!!! 2020 Favorite topic. When school started, we had 2 choices given by school - Hybrid or Cyber. I chose hybrid. It means some days in school and some days at home and the school district had multiple meetings with parents and the board on the plans and finally our district decided to keep 2 days school and 3 days home. Also to thin the crowd, they decided to split it based on the last name. So coming back, Dewy was hybrid. When I announced the same in a parent's group, I am sure that  my careless attitude towards my child (as other parents say) would have topic at many homes. Truthfully, it is a scary decision and it wasn't a impetuous decision. I knew the risks I was putting Dewy  into and also many days of fighting with my inner devil to figure out what to do. Dewy (as many kids right now) , totally shut down from friends really wanted to see someone of her age, ev...

After a long time I had sometime with my friends and a no-judgement zone where I can open up about anything and everything  I just let my guard down and cried. Oh boy!! That was a wonderful feeling to let steam out of system. I had 2 people telling me that I doing things as good as it can be and just what I wanted to hear(We all need at times to hear that though it may not be true always 😀) In FRIENDS, they say about scheduling some me-cry time. It all makes sense now. To act grown up all time and be correct politically/diplomatically always is a pain. I have been putting up a brave face both at work and house chores and single handedly managing things which barely leaves with me with much needed me-time.  Between driving to classes and now this COVID driven at home schooling , I am always on driver's seat and no respite.  Though that outburst sounded silly next day morning,  I certainly did feel lightened.

I probably always sell Dewy short.  Like for example, Dewy finds a perfect moment to drop things like we are really getting late to step out of house or it is late in night and all I wanted was to meet my pillow. I have taken deep breaths to avoid screaming when it is really a honest mistake and sometimes a good dosage of (ahem... ) when it is carelessness. Dewy has been always apologetic and hence my anger dispenses. But we had a sleep over and a similar mishap happened with kheer by the other party. It was well late into night and not to mention it was a tiring week and Friday. This whole thing was avoidable. Anyway, without a single sorry or "how can I help( not that I want help)  I was informed of this debacle and left to my own devices.  Dewy came in twice asking if she can get me tissues or something to clean My mom always says that I expect too much from Dewy sometimes. I might be wrong for a 8 year old to be over cautious ( God knows how many things I have broken in these ...

So... Dewy finally learnt to play ludo and all the rules that go with it. Like any other game, she had her own concerns to this game. Our crazy family has another rule that is applied only to our Highness. If you get a chance to take her tokens and put it back home, you cannot do it. That too the first 3 chances. So it is right there in front of your eyes where you can score over her but can't do it. Sometimes I get tempted and I conquer her token and put it back home leading to a big ruckus and fight. Then we roped in our friends to playing this online with my them. And I had to enlighten everyone of this game and our rule. Since here, the coin movement is done by computer,  it doesn't follow Dewy's rule 😆😆😆😆 So you can imagine the drama that unfolds.  Sleepovers - Dewy has a friend who she absolutely adores. I mean she does like all her friends but this girl tops. To sound cliché, their wavelength matches.  Sleepovers...the preparation starts on Tuesday. That starts w...

*** This was written in BC (Before Covid-19) Hurray!!! Its being 2 years and I am so so so ready to visit India. Now there ends the easy part of the whole thing.  Tickets, gifts and CHOCOLATES!!! Now that's the most painful part of the whole trip. It would be lot easier if your people tell you what they want. And all I get for that question is - Oh we just want to see you. Now Now... that's anyway granted. Then I start the grueling part of the process, finding something for people I care. And that certainly took sometime and energy. *** This is AC (After Covid-19) My meticulous planning and packing has all gone to drain as I couldn't travel. This is the disadvantage when you plan too much. I am left with chocolates and gifts which I can't even return  So now I am meticously figuring how to distribute chocolates here.🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Considering how bad I am at updating this space..... as usual this is a week delayed release Obviously I am talking about one main thing that has occupied my whole being- Dewy - Its been 8 years; when they handed over a tiny little mouse like thingie into my hand and thus adding responsibility of another human into your life - The one who irritated the hell out of me by messing with my sleep in early days and later ; turned into a sweet darling one that awaits for me to come from office so that she can just lays her eyes on me before she jumps to bed after weary day. - At the cost of sounding cliche, I have grown with her, from being an impatient self to considerably more patient and many other better qualities (so I say) - And just like that in front of my eyes, there she has grown and entering tween. - She has a very unique perspective to things and also a very strong personality which I sometime find it painful - She can be carefree ( oh I don't bother if you done have time for ...